Dr. Dickhead: So, I'm here to see you regarding your sleep apnea. Your sleep apnea would improve if you lost weight.
My Patient: Yes, I know. I've had a rapid weight gain of about 150lbs in the last year or so.
Dr. Dickhead: I see that you have been noncompliant with your diabetes, otherwise you wouldn't be here. (patient's Hemoglobin A1C was on the low normal side)
My Patient: I check my blood sugar a minimum of four times a day. It wasn't until the past week that I couldn't get the levels under control.
Dr. Dickhead: What do you do for a living?
My Patient: Well, I have a Ph.D. and used to be a counselor. Now, I'm a pastor.
Dr. Dickhead: *saracastic tone of voice* Did you used to counsel people on weight loss?
My Patient: Why yes I did.
Me: *picking jaw up off the floor while shooting the "doctor" daggers with my eyeballs*